Making Room (or how to lose 30lbs. in one hour)

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I have been struggling lately with what at the top layer feels like a sense of “is that all there is?” in my life. Some days it scratches as boredom. Other days it’s a welling up sadness, full of tears over a misunderstanding with a co-worker. Still others, it’s a feeling that I am not making progress with even the smallest of goals in my life. Not to mention the really significant ones. You know, the one where I want to make a serious and meaningful contribution.

What.  Am I crazy?  I have so much. A wonderful daughter thriving at a respectable university. A bi-weekly paycheck that covers the mortgage, tuition, comfy furniture, Whole Foods shopping, vacations to Costa Rica, cute jeans. I live in Pleasantville. I have an adorable and loving dog with joint custody that allows me to spend time with him at my convenience. I have a great man in my life. I mean, a really great man in my life. Despite achy hips, I have a beautiful, expansive, highly supportive yoga practice. I have connections. Friends. Sisters. And I have Sister Summit, our weekly connection over 3 times zones sharing our goals, challenges and support for one another.

I also find myself, at 49 years old, with experiences similar to many other women at this life stage. Aging parents. A mother with Breast Cancer (and a host of unrest about a relationship — at least one of authenticity — that I never had with her). A step-mother with a debilitating illness living her last day’s in a nursing home. A father (the guy I put on a pedestal for much of my young life) who is in deep grief with his wife’s situation, yet trying to cope and make the best of the “cards he was dealt” as he says. Hovering closely over this layer is the agitation I feel about my place of work. I want so much to contribute, to step out in a BIG and compassionate and loving and hopeful and supportive and “get things done” kind of way. <>. It’s just that it’s getting more noticeable to me every day. Every day I peel the layers away of ‘not Sandi’.

Yet as the optimist, the maximizer and the no-stranger-to-tough situations kind of gal, I seek the light.

Today that arrived in cleaning my closet. Aside from being a huge catch-all for what I don’t want to put away, what I keep saving and what I haven’t let go of, there was plenty in there that needed to move on. So,  I asked the angels for help. “What should I do up there with my closet today? What to keep, what to let go of.” Then, I picked 3 cards:

1. Self-esteem

2. Power

3. Music

I decided to use the”Self-esteem” card as a message to toss (goodwill) what doesn’t make me feel pretty and what is not comfortable. The music card was a message to play a favorite Pandora station while I worked. And to sing through it.  And, though I am not totally clear, I think the Power has something to do with the ability to make peace with my “is that all there is?”. And transform it into something AMAZING.

An hour later, as I had filled 2 large plastic bags for goodwill, I realized that what I am really doing is making room. Making room to shine with my radiant self. Making room to let go of the things that don’t serve me. Making room to blossom and lighten up, despite the season’s turning in and low light.

Does this sound familiar to you at all?

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One Response to “Making Room (or how to lose 30lbs. in one hour)”

  1. judyfloeter Says:

    Great work there, girl! Doesn’t it always seem that we always have all of the answers, we just need to get quiet, clear away the clutter, and voila, the answer surfaces. You are an amazing, doing real work, contributing in measurable ways to the peace on this earth. Thank you for being you, and for sharing so much of yourself. I hope that you do branch out on your own to your complete your own work. You have everything to gain, and nothing at all to lose, except baggage you are already weary of carrying. love you, jude

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