I’d like to make a formal introduction. Avalokiteswara, meet 1268 N. Cleveland Avenue. The Goddess of compassion, love and hope sets her helping arms and tireless energy on 1268 N. Cleveland in Loveland, CO. For this could be the Future home of Simply Toffee and the Sister Summit Meeting Place.
She’s a beauty. Simply stated. Humble and full of potential.
I have been struggling lately with what at the top layer feels like a sense of “is that all there is?” in my life. Some days it scratches as boredom. Other days it’s a welling up sadness, full of tears over a misunderstanding with a co-worker. Still others, it’s a feeling that I am not making progress with even the smallest of goals in my life. Not to mention the really significant ones. You know, the one where I want to make a serious and meaningful contribution.
What. Am I crazy? I have so much. A wonderful daughter thriving at a respectable university. A bi-weekly paycheck that covers the mortgage, tuition, comfy furniture, Whole Foods shopping, vacations to Costa Rica, cute jeans. I live in Pleasantville. I have an adorable and loving dog with joint custody that allows me to spend time with him at my convenience. I have a great man in my life. I mean, a really great man in my life. Despite achy hips, I have a beautiful, expansive, highly supportive yoga practice. I have connections. Friends. Sisters. And I have Sister Summit, our weekly connection over 3 times zones sharing our goals, challenges and support for one another.
I also find myself, at 49 years old, with experiences similar to many other women at this life stage. Aging parents. A mother with Breast Cancer (and a host of unrest about a relationship — at least one of authenticity — that I never had with her). A step-mother with a debilitating illness living her last day’s in a nursing home. A father (the guy I put on a pedestal for much of my young life) who is in deep grief with his wife’s situation, yet trying to cope and make the best of the “cards he was dealt” as he says. Hovering closely over this layer is the agitation I feel about my place of work. I want so much to contribute, to step out in a BIG and compassionate and loving and hopeful and supportive and “get things done” kind of way. <>. It’s just that it’s getting more noticeable to me every day. Every day I peel the layers away of ‘not Sandi’.
Yet as the optimist, the maximizer and the no-stranger-to-tough situations kind of gal, I seek the light.
Today that arrived in cleaning my closet. Aside from being a huge catch-all for what I don’t want to put away, what I keep saving and what I haven’t let go of, there was plenty in there that needed to move on. So, I asked the angels for help. “What should I do up there with my closet today? What to keep, what to let go of.” Then, I picked 3 cards:
1. Self-esteem
2. Power
3. Music
I decided to use the”Self-esteem” card as a message to toss (goodwill) what doesn’t make me feel pretty and what is not comfortable. The music card was a message to play a favorite Pandora station while I worked. And to sing through it. And, though I am not totally clear, I think the Power has something to do with the ability to make peace with my “is that all there is?”. And transform it into something AMAZING.
An hour later, as I had filled 2 large plastic bags for goodwill, I realized that what I am really doing is making room. Making room to shine with my radiant self. Making room to let go of the things that don’t serve me. Making room to blossom and lighten up, despite the season’s turning in and low light.
Does this sound familiar to you at all?
Homesteading on Halloween.. I savor the moments every Halloween and this year was no exception especially cause Halloween fell on a Sunday. I had the whole weekend to welcome the fall season in. I love Halloween, Not only is this a holiday for the kiddies but for us Moms. First off it’s fall, it’s the weekend I start baking again. The day embodies everything I hold on to as far as being a Mom: being home with my kids, making costumes, baking, decorating, staring at the sun, cooking and being in the kitchen from 7am til 10pm, lighting candles, listening to music, carving the pumpkin (yes we even did that yesterday). Though our lives are so busy and the kids keep getting bigger, we still found time to decorate these delicious cupcakes, carve the pumpkin, call a Grandma and line up all the candy from the pillow cases.. Much fun was had by all. Happy Halloween to all and to all sweet dreaming of next year’s magic..
